Boss Ross holds a team meeting and in his best Knute Rockne voice says… “I know you enjoy your fancy cars and all the fun on South Beach, but I need you to take one for the team! You’re stinking up the league and we need to draft this kid out of Stanford. For the future of the Miami Dolphins, you must get out on that field and SUCK! I need you to roll over and make this community proud by giving it a franchise QB! Do it for the fans, do for all the little kids who can no longer watch your pathetic play, do it for a once great franchise I have run into the ground!
Jason Taylor stands up, “guys, I know I’ve been invisible on the field, but I’m going to take it to a new level. I want to see every one of you getting knocked ten yards off the ball. I want you, Mark Columbo, to bring a cape and wave it at the rushers as they go by, OLE! Daniel Thomas, you need to get with the program and step it down, this running hard must stop. Reggie, just take it between the tackles a few more times and we’ll come visit you in the hospital.”
Before Taylor has a chance to finish, Brandon Marshall jumps up, “I can drop it, I can drop it, I can run out bounds, I can get manhandled by a guy half my size. Come on Jason all you have to do is get me the damn ball and I’ll fumble it. Look, I can show you guys how to play like crap, it’s easy, shoot off your mouth, piss off the other team and then don’t show up!”
Sparano walks in, “now wait a minute guys, why do I have to micromanage everything around here? I want the DBs doing interception dropping drills. Backs we will begin fumbling drills after you fully understand how to allow a blitzer to get a free shot at the QB. O-line I have set up dummies, each represents a defensive lineman, your job is to avoid blocking them at all cost. Defensive line and linebackers, continue what you’ve been doing, the arm tackling dummies are in the bubble. Matt Moore, we will have four receivers going into routes, if I see your eyes move off the primary one time you will owe the team fifty wind sprints. Any receiver who catches the ball will join Moore doing sprints Now let’s go!”
“What do you want NOW Carpenter? Can’t you see I don’t have time for a kicker!”
“But coach, the only thing we’ve been able to do this season is kick fieldgoals. I don’t feel like I’m doing my part in the Suck-for-Luck campaign. It’s about time you allowed me to shank a few, I feel like I’m letting the team down, and you, and Boss Ross as well.”
“Carpenter, how the hell am I going to do a fist pump and make it look like this team is actually playing if you start shanking fieldgoals?”
“It’s not fair coach, everyone else is stinking up the field and I have to go out and ruin it for everyone. Can’t we just have a botched the snap, I’ll slap the ball up in the air right to a defender then miss the tackle.”
“Carpenter, I like your spirit, but we all have to make sacrifices to Suck-for-Luck and yours is to continue making fieldgoals. Look, by the end of the season, you will have broken the NFL points record and we can trade you for a seventh round draft pick. I’ll talk to the holder, maybe just once he can allow the ball to hit him in the face instead of catching it. Will that make you feel better?”
“Thank you coach,” Carpenter says while stubbing his kicking toe on the doorstop…
“And tell that punter I want to see him in my office, these kicking teams have been performing too well and it’s high time I put an end to it.”
And so, with absolutely no fanfare, the Dolphins begin the Suck-for-Luck campaign.