I Love Eagle Fans

Being born in Philadelphia makes the Dolphins – Eagles match-ups even more exciting for me, because my family is full of Eagle fans… They must think a certain extremity of mine has a lot of reach because of the things they’ve been telling me to do to myself. They can be vulgar, but it’s vulgarity with passion and that has to account for something. When I asked my nephew about the match-up he said, “I love you, go 'F' yourself.” My cousin told me Michael Vick would be looking to “F” some blowhole! Going for the blowhole, now that’s a low blow!

Eagle fans get a lot of abuse, but I guess pelting Santa with snowballs can give a city a bad reputation. Knowing them as well as I do, I’ve seen a certain change the past couple years and this year is particularly bad. I remember the feeling all too well, the Dolphins under Shula and Marino went to the Super Bowl after the 1984 season, then spent the next 10 years teasing us with the playoffs, only to lose before making it to the dance. I try to empathize with my beloved Eagle family, but they keep telling me to go drink a tall frosty glass of shut the “F” up.

The difference between Eagle fans and most other fans in the NFL is, there’s no grey area. They are all-in all the time and can go from jumping up and down cheering, to telling some guy (me) he needs to find his evening meal in the toilet. The near misses have left them a bitter group. They even resort to demeaning their own mother, or maybe they don’t realize when calling me a stupid bastard that we have the same mother. I would be offended, but they mean it with all the love.

I’m not sure why LeSean McCoy is nick named Shady but they tell me, he will leave Karlos Dansby searching for his jock strap. If McCoy is “Shady”, I can only imagine what they nicknamed Michael Vick! For some reason they really get mad when I call him “Coach Killa!” I’m just saying, there are no coaches in street football. When Vick gets in the huddle, he makes those noises like the teacher from Charlie Brown and then tells everyone to run around until he can get loose and heave it.

Why they tell me I’m a Pole-Smoker when I say things like that is beyond me, I’m just saying… Sheesh, don’t take things personal!

I also learned the 4 Dolphins victories were against unimpressive competition, excluding the Redskins, which come from the sacred NFC East. Oh by the way, the Redskins are fondly referred to as the “Foreskins” in Eagle country. I guess Eagle fans don’t look at team records much before spouting off, they might find all the teams the Dolphins beat have a better record than the Eagles, excluding the Foreskins. See, the Dolphins can’t play in the big boy league but when I mentioned the Eagles already lost to the Bills and Patriots from the little boy league, I’m reminded, any stupid SOB knows the AFC East couldn’t even beat teams from the Big East. Man I am Stupid, I didn’t know that!

They may have gone a little easier on me had we beat the Cowgirls, their hate for the Cowgirls in unparalleled. The city of Brotherly Love proved that when they cheered as Michael Irvin lay on the field with the cervical spinal cord injury that ended his career. I’m not an Irvin fan but I don’t think, “the coke snorting piece of human excrement deserved it.” They should change it to, The City of Brotherly Tough Love, see then we can understand, because Irvin was snorting coke, getting his neck broken would straighten him out, right? They were just trying to help Irvin lead a better life.

It’s gotta be hard on Eagle fans, I mean everyone was thinking Super Bowl Dream Team. They signed every damn FA on the market including Ronnie Brown. When they figured out why we let him go, they tried to trade him to Detroit for running back Jerome Harrison but the trade was voided because Harrison failed his physical. Now they tell me, they should have known Brown was a POS because he came from the Sardines.

They signed Vince Young to back-up Vick, after the 4 picks he threw last week I bet he doesn’t spend as much time in the local watering holes as he did in Tennessee. They tell me they’ll, “beat his F-ing arse” if they see him on the street, it’s the Tough Love thing again…

I told them it was pay back for all the veterans they traded at the peak of their game because they were too cheap to sign them. They told me I was an “F-ing” idiot and should go back to my day job and stop think I’m an “F-ing” GM. Hey, they signed The Dream Team, oh BTW, don’t mention the phrase “Dream Team” around a Philly fan; it sends them into another stratosphere. My own brother told me he would knock the – toilet content consuming – grin off my face if I brought it up again.

It’s important to remember, all of this was said in a normal tone of voice. People in Philly just talk to each other using colorful expletives and outsiders often mistake them for being obnoxious jerks. I don’t have this problem, I know them too well, and they are! Nevertheless, I love them just the same…