The Future Could be Changing in Miami

The Miami Dolphins owner unceremoniously announced the team is planning to tank amid reports he’s going to give away two first round picks for John Harbaugh. What you been smoking Boss Ross?

Why the hell would Harbaugh want to join a team that’s set to tank in order to position themselves to draft a QB. They would then have to send the draft picks to Baltimore, so no QB for you. This can’t be true, can it? Throwing ridiculous sums of money at Jim Harbaugh to lure him away from Michigan, sorta makes sense.

This is what’s happened in Miami since Stephen Ross took over the Titanic ship named the Miami Dolphins, he steers it into every iceberg floating in the Atlantic Ocean. Even propping up Chris Grier seems defeatist. “I have no clue who can steer this ship, so I’ll pull the guy out of the engine room.”

Nothing against Grier, he’s much better choice than selecting a failure like Mike Tannenbaum. Yo Ross, didn’t the butt-fumble give you a clue of Tannenbaum’s QB draft history. Maybe that’s why Miami never brought in a serious challenger for Ryan Tannehill. Tannenbaum was afraid of being laughed at for selecting another butt-fumbler.

Mike Tannenbaum wanted a coach that was arrogant enough to think he could make it work with Ryan Tannehill. Yes, the same Tannehill with a career QBR of 49.1 against the league-wide average of 55.1 since 2012. Mike made the awesome decision to extend Tannehill’s contract for some ridiculous millions thinking,
he at least hadn’t butt-fumbled yet...

Isn’t Tannenbaum the same guy that paid Ndamukong Suh $100 million to play defensive tackle and then cut him while still owing him $30 million. Oh yeah, so it’s no wonder Miami has no cap space, no quarterback and a bunch of old injured free agents. But the Boss still thinks he can lure in some Harbaugh because they’re Michigan guys right.

Are there icebergs in Lake Michigan or do they all just talk like Uppers, “how ‘bout a beer, ahey…”

Perhaps Jim Harbaugh didn’t laugh loud enough when Boss Ross’ flew in on that big old jet airliner to grovel while he already had a coach. Tony Sparano (RIP) was destined to coach really well that season after his owner and GM hack Jeff Ireland flew off to hire his replacement. The conversation must have gone something like, “hey Jim, how ‘bout a beer, ahey…”

The "Chris Grier Show" has had an interesting start, he’s supposed to covet at least one guy that can make him look stupid when he gets turned down for a place like Cincinnati. At least the current choices Miami cannot stumble over failing to land, now that’s refreshing. Grier either has super top-secret inside information on one of these guys or they are so bad no other team was interested in signing them.

Perhaps Grier knew Brian Flores, Eric Bieniemy, Dennis Allen, Kris Richard and Darren Rizzi would remain available throughout his ponderings so he could make a thorough investigation. There were eight head coaching jobs open and only one besides the Dolphins is still unsettled, Cincinnati.

Even the whisperer who has never whispered, Ex-Dolphin coach Adam Gase, landed a gig in New York. He thought the Miami press was unreasonable, welcome to the Big Apple Adam.

Six head coaches have been hired and all five Miami candidates are still available. It seems odd Miami’s choices did not receive more consideration and leads to speculation about their validity. Usually Miami is scraping the bottom of the bucket after the latest Jeff Fisher has flown off on the big old jet airliner for greener pastures somewhere in quarterback heaven.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, especially if they’re big tom gobblers and you’re super hungry. Wait… A big tom gobbler is probably meaner than hell and would be pecking at your hand like it’s a massive corn kernel. 

Wait… Where is this going?

Oh, Darren Rizzi, he’s the bird-in-hand…

Grier may be shrewder than we think, he’s got a guy he can fall back on so he’s not jumping the gun and hiring the quarterback’s coach from Texas Tech. He doesn’t have a whisperee so he doesn’t need a whisperer and hence he can make a clearer decision. He keeps peering into that bush rooting out best damn tom gobbler of the whole freaking rafter.

No, it’s not laughter, it’s rafter… That’s what a group of turkey’s is called (I had to look it up!).

So here all Dolphin fans sit in purgatory, waiting for something to change, paying for the sins of our undefeated past. What is it, five generations (yeah now I’m on biblical crap), five generations is how long it takes for a family to absolve the sins of their fathers. Good Catholic boys know this…

Let’s see our last winning coach was Dave Wannstedt, so not counting interim coaches that’s Satan, Cameron, Sparano, Philbin and Gase! Holy spumoni and eggnog batman we finally paid for our sins! It’s time Miami, it’s time… Chris Grier is going to do the right thing!

Darren Rizzi is the guy I called out in the previous article. After reading up on everything, I’m going to change my mind. The new coach of the Miami Dolphins will be…

Kris Richard